The Martini. The Gimlet. The Cosmopolitan. The Screwdriver. The, wait for it, Bloody Mary!!! Yes, Those were the voices of angels you just heard inside your head. I never have to say vodka before any of these because you’d never worry about me ordering them with gin. I have long considered vodka the drink of the ages. When I’m faced with ordering a drink at a bar I will, nine times out of ten, order something based with Vodka. Unless I’m on the rooftop at The Eagle, a very chill NYC establishment that may or may not have a good mix of men wearing anywhere from polo shirts and sneakers to leather pants and work boots…in the heat of the summer. If it’s the Eagle then it’s a margarita or a beer…when with the “people”, drink as they drink. I’ve always loved vodka for its versatility when mixed with a sundry of flavors. However, vodka has many MANY uses… sedative, deodorizer, cleanser and disinfectant.

SEDATIVE

Many years ago, when I was young and fresh off of drinking the “sweet” drinks, you know the ones. The ones that will have you cradling the toilet in a hotel room outside of Denver, CO on a full night of drinking and dancing with people who were not as cute in the light as they were in a dark club…it happens. Nonsequitur…always carry a pin light, just for checking the face of your dancing partner. Anyway, the first time I order a “Vodka rocks”, my friends knew I was finally an adult and a civilized drinker.

After years of drinking and not drinking and drinking again, I found that there was little that was better than a boozy brunch with friends and that is when Mary…Bloody Mary, came into my life. She also brought about the double bonus of having a drink and half a xanie with brunch which I HEAR is a dangerous combination, so please don’t try it at home…I am a grown ass professional. Having made this full disclosure, I must say that the brunch phenomenon is the perfect way to relax and laugh with friends, to eat and talk, to buy drinks, without inhibition, for attractive diners who you may be making eyes at. But careful, it’s also can be the impetus for what we now call PBDS, Post Brunch Drunk Shopping. PBDS is an issue for the advanced drinker. Most people would simply pass out after being over-served at brunch. Not me and not my friends…Grown Ass Professionals.

On several occasions, we would find ourselves leaving brunch and window shopping in some of the meatpacking districts high end boutiques. When you are browsing with drunk friends and they tell you something looks good on you, it’s difficult to say no…even when you have neglected to check the prices of said pretty purchases. There have been $700 dollar designer sweaters purchased and accidently put into the dirty clothes hamper. That Christian Dior sweater now will only fit a 6 year old girl. There was the purchase of the $500 Raybans that were purchased…they are 23kt gold! I mean, right?! I won’t even mention the Thom Browne “Short suit” that one of us purchased…a short suit!

And we won’t even mention the drunk texting that may or may not happen when enjoying the goodnesses of vodka on a Sunday Brunchday!

Drinker beware!!! Be sure to drink water between your adult bevies. Or do as I do and drink vodka with water on the rocks…it relaxes and hydrates at the same time! The more you know!

DEODORIZER

Being a veteran of many Broadway shows and understanding the work that goes into putting on a show, I know that the blood, sweat and tears of the stage can only be cleaned by vodka, in a spray bottle, no less!

No, this is not just for the dresser and wardrobe department to drink on the job. Sprayed vodka is used to curb the smell of the large hairy character man who sweats profusely. Sprayed vodka is also used to cover the smells of young vegan dancing girls who don’t realize that we all smell that asparagus she ate for lunch…sautéed in garlic.

Yes, vodka in a spray bottle is cheaper than febreze and has no smell when it dries unlike the afore mentioned febreze and it’s odor covering brethren but it’s an awful misuse of the grey goose!!! However, if ever an actor is having a panic attack or comes into bad news…unscrew the bottle and take a gulp. It’s better than any first aid kit.

CLEANSER AND DISINFECTANT

Let me preface this section by telling you how much I love a good stripper. A GOOD STRIPPER!

I have always had a special place in my heart to exotic dancer/stripper types. There is something abso-fuckin-lutely alluring about them and then intense focus it must take to have someone willing tuck hundreds of one dollar bills into the g-string, sock, money-band of swarthy Italians, latin papi chulos and mandingo’d black dancers with names like, Zeus, Apollo, José, Juan, Jermaine, Adonis and yes, Mandingo.

My first time ever in a real strip club was at the Gaiety. The Gaiety was a venerable adult entertainment club that closed about six years ago…which lasted more than a decade longer than the other clubs of it’s type in midtown Manhattan. Now, you couldn’t drink at the Gaiety, they only had “punch”.  Something tells me that punch was neither kosher nor was it really punch. Be that as it may, you’d walk up a tiny staircase that looked like it was out of a Tim Burton movie. I kept thinking Helena Bonham Carter was going to be at the booth to take our money. No such luck, just an obese person who could’ve been a man or woman at some point in “its” life but there were dick dancers waiting so I paid my money and we took our seats.

Here’s how it worked, a dancer would come out fully clothed and dance for a few minutes to a crappy song then go backstage, “fluff” and come out for a second dance in his full glory and pry the money out of the hands of the 75 yr old man who had been seated in the front chair for a decade. I wished, however, that while the dancer was backstage “Fluffing” that another guy would come out and do his first dance. It sometimes took the dancers a while to get in the mood and the customers would be sitting and waiting or sitting and laughing if you were with me, for the performer to come onstage. They simply needed a good director to keep the show moving forward. For the record, you could not touch these dancers because it was a lawful establishment…much like at the VIP room aka 20/20 club.

At 20/20 things are a little nicer, carpeted entrance with a cute-ish kid taking your money. Not everything at 20/20 is kind of equal. $20 to get in, $20 drinks and $20 for a “dance”. Word of warning, each song is considered a dance, so don’t go getting all into the music or you’ll go home broke. It was at this club that I realized the sanitary properties of vodka. Sometimes when “dancing with a handsome devil in the moonlight”, bodies collide like two pigs in a pen and you may get someone’s sweat on you. You may find yourself groped or groping in the name of business. One really should get one’s value out of each $20 dollar bill. We ARE in a recession, after all.

It was in such a circumstance that I realized that vodka can be used as a hand sanitizer or DISINFECTANT, much like a Clorox wipe. While no one is looking, simply take your vodka/water/rocks and put it under the rim of the bar and douse your hands in it. I do this under the bar because I don’t want to offend the strippers…I also don’t want to touch my face or rub my eyes after having a moment with a stripper and his sweat. Then repeat the dousing and let your hands air dry.

I have another great stripper story but that has nothing to do with vodka…it’ll wait.

For now, just thank the heavens for the sedating, deodorizing, cleansing and disinfecting versatility of Grey goose, Belvedere, Absolut, Stolichnaya and the lot. And remember with vodka and strippers, after the first drink, no one can really tell the good hooch from the bad! Enjoy all in moderation.